April 10th holds a special place in my heart.  Each year Ann & I remember the Birthday of our older Brother, while my parents remember the birthday of their oldest child & only son.  Jason was six years older than myself & would have celebrated his 30th Birthday today.  Nearly 12 years ago he was killed in an automobile accident on his way home from Oakland City University, where he was a freshmen in college. 

It definitely doesn’t seem like its been 12 years that I’ve lived without a brother.  Even though the years continue to pass, the birthday and day of J’s accident are no easier to battle.  The memories come flooding back & the ‘I wonder’ phrases along with the imagination quickly kick-in. 

I wonder…

      Where would he be living at if he were here? In Huntingburg, or a bigger city? At home? or in his own place?

      What kind of job would he have today?  A teacher? A pro golfer? …

      Would he be married?  Have kids?

      Would we battle it out on the golf course on a weekly basis? Taking tips & lessons from one another the whole time? (I’d put a bet for YES on this one!)

Tons of questions like this cross my mind on days like today & I usually have to fight back the tears when I start thinking about them.– It’s just so hard to come to the realization that we will NEVER know.  We’ll never know what should have been or what could have been, because J left us to early.  Life’s not fair.  I’ll admit it. 

However, I also have learned (especially through this particular circumstance) that all things do happen for a reason.  It may be years or decades down the road until we piece together the puzzle that allows us to answer the ‘WHY’ question, but eventually it does get answered.  God has a plan for everyone, and his plan for ‘J’ was to join him in heaven on 9/25/00 as one of His many young angels.

I would give anything to have Jason back with us, but I know that is never going to happen.  So instead, I try to shine light on a dim situation…because of J’s death, the ties of my family have become unbroken.  Ask anyone who knows the Feldmeyer family & they will likely tell the unique bond between us.  Family takes on a whole new meaning in life once you lose a member of it.  You realize how important it is to spend time with one another. Lots of time. It takes the support of all of us to remain strong on a challenging day like today.

There is never a day that goes by that I don’t think of the AMAZING brother I grew up with.  I learned some of the most valuable lessons from him & I hope one day I will get the opportunity to THANK him for all he taught me through the years, in both his life on earth & in Heaven.  I could not have asked for a better role model in my life.  And today, I have become one of two lucky sisters to have one of the best guardian angels watching over me from above.  In that respect, I am truly blessed.


Missing ‘J’ more today than yesterday, but not as much as I will miss him tomorrow.  — I’m sending hugs, kisses & Birthday Wishes up to Heaven today.  May ‘J’ have a wonderful 30th birthday celebrating with the Big Man.